What happens when the bully lives at home?

  We have all heard the stories of adolescents, (we will focus on boys for this conversation), who do not fit into the traditional gender norms attempting and/or succeeding in suicide attempts due to bullying at school. But, what happens when the bullying or majority of disapproval is at home; with the individual(s) who have loved you unconditionally until you acted outside of the norm or actually admitted to being a homosexual?

In the article “Coming out to talk about suicide: Gay Men and suicidality” by Sue McAndrew and Tony Warne, they explore this idea. However, rather than sampling a large group of men and their experiences, they carefully chose a select few to tell their stories in more detail than previously researched. Obtaining the statistics for suicides and the possible relation of homosexuality is simple as many researchers have already done it. For example, a report in 2000 found that gay and bisexual youth were 4 times more likely to report a serious suicide attempt than their heterosexual counterparts; a number which has probably increased since homosexuality has been more visible in the last decade. What this study was trying to explore is how one’s family, particularly the father, influenced suicidal behavior in young men. One study in 1998 showed that, “Often, attempted suicide was linked to family discovery and subsequent rejection.” (93)

As a result of this lack of relationship, combined with an increased awareness of their sexuality, as homosexual boys mature, they feel isolated and develop a self hatred because they do not fit into the heterosexual, male ideology. Some turn to what is called “internalized homophobia”; a feeling of worthlessness and self hatred. And inner struggle to try and “pass” also arises. Any gay person will tell you it is easier to pretend you’re straight than show your true self. But trying to pass is difficult and emotionally straining. Imagine something you absolutely love and could not live without. (97)

So, when one cannot obtain approval from a parental figure or feel that self expression would not be welcomed in a positive manner in their home, is that not a form of indirect bullying? When parents do create an environment of acceptance and tolerance in their own home, a place where children should feel safe and loved, the influence of the outside world can be less detrimental. Having your parents and family accept and love you the way you are will inevitably provide more strength to defend against the negativity shown by the outside world. If you have a home that is accepting and not traditionally following the stereotypical gender roles set as a societal norm, the chance of feeling guilt and self hatred will not be as strong.

International Journal of Mental Health Nursing (2010) 19, 92–101

DOI: 10.1111/j.1447-0349.2009.00644.x
Feature Article_644 92..101
Coming out to talk about suicide: Gay men
and suicidality
Sue McAndrew1 and Tony Warne2
1University of Leeds, Leeds, and 2University of Salford, Salford, England